Alabama - Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona - But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas - Literacy Ain't Everything

California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia - We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Translation: Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois - Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana - We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine - We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan - First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi - Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada - Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire - Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota - We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio - At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma - Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon - Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal

Rhode Island - We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee - The Educashun State

Texas - Si, Hablo Ingles

Utah - Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont - Yep

Virginia - Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington - Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C. - Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia - One Big Happy Family. Really.

Wisconsin - Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming - Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

++++++++++++

I have a friend in Kentucky (well, I USED to anyway) who's not going to be too happy with me. 

 

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Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
 
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.  They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a darn one way or the other.

UPS Gripe Sheet

 

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs or vacations.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement .
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

Uh - uh......

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Top 10 "Out Of Office" Messages

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood. 

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team. 

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....) 

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. 

9. I've run away to join a different circus. 

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve. 

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From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a dog," 
or, "that's a lot of money for just a dog." 

They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for "just a dog." 

Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog." 

Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog," 
but I did not once feel slighted. 

Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a dog," 
and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a dog" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day. 

If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you will probably understand 
phrases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or "just a promise." 

"Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, 
and pure unbridled joy. 

"Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person. 

Because of "just a dog", I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future. 

So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment. 

"Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away 
from myself and the worries of the day. 

I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a dog", 
but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being 
"just a man or woman." 

So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog" 
just smile... because they "just don't understand." 

Written by an unknown Doctor of Veterinary Medicine. 
From the Therapy Dog Inc. News Magazine

Who looked at an artichoke and decided there was anything inside worth the trouble it would take to get to it?

Why is it we put a man on the moon before anyone ever thought of squeeze-bottle ketchup?

Why does everyone forget how to drive the moment a drop of rain hits their windshield?

Why do people think that pushing the elevator button again will make the elevator show up faster?

Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum. What did that fifth guy say? “Rot your teeth out. What the hell do I care.”?

If the “blackbox” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole darned plane made out of that stuff?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is there a light in the refrigerator but not the freezer?

Bad recycling: Pay stub used as bank robbery note   Wrong way to recycle: Man arrested after allegedy writing bank robbery note on old pay stub

Associated Press Last updated: 9:15 p.m., Monday, December 29, 2008

CHICAGO -- The robber's threatening note made a Chicago bank job easy to solve: The FBI says the suspect wrote it on his pay stub. An FBI affidavit said the man walked into a Fifth Third Bank on Friday and handed a teller a note that read "Be Quick Be Quit (sic). Give your cash or I'll shoot." The robber got about $400 but left half of his note. Investigators found the other half outside the bank's front doors. Authorities say that part of the man's October pay stub had his name and address. The suspect was arrested at his Cary home. A judge ordered him held without bond Monday. If convicted of bank robbery, he faces 20 years in prison.